While most people learn how to speak at a very young age, very few of us learn how to truly communicate—especially during conflict! We make demands and accusations, shift the blame, and spend more time defending ourselves than we do listening.
As you can imagine, none of these tactics are effective communication skills!
The good news is that you can learn how to communicate better, whether you’re dealing with a spouse, partner, family member, friend, or co-worker. Here are some ways you can start improving your communication during a conflict to reduce hostility.
WHY COMMUNICATION DURING A CONFLICT FAILS
First, we should examine one of the key reasons communication in the midst of conflict is typically non-productive.
Conflicts really boil down to conflicting perceptions and values. Every individual sees the world through their own unique lens. No two people have exactly the same life experiences and values. Therefore, each person will naturally have a unique perspective on the world (and on a conflict).
What keeps people from resolving conflict often boils down to an inability to understand that differing perspectives can co-exist and each perspective can contain a portion of the truth. In other words “you don’t need to be wrong in order for my perspective to have value” and vice versa.
One of the most courageous things we can do is “sit with” the discomfort of listening to information we don’t believe to be true or that contains viewpoints dissimilar to our own. When we are able to self-regulate and understand the difference between acknowledgment and agreement, doors to resolution often open.
Why? It’s because at the end of the day, everyone wants to be understood and truly heard. When we can be present with someone with whom we are in conflict and respectfully listen to their point of view without defending or asserting our point of view, we eliminate a factor in the conflict: the fight to be understood and respected.
In fact, most of the typical skills for improving communication are aimed at overcoming this chasm and building a bridge of understanding. Let’s look at how this is done.
HOW TO COMMUNICATE BETTER IN CONFLICT
You’d never start training for a marathon at the starting line! Similarly, learning how to communicate better during conflict needs to start long before arguments and disputes arise.
Take the time to study these communication skills now so that you’re better prepared the next time you find yourself “butting heads” with someone.
CREATE A HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT
All communication (healthy or otherwise) requires certain conditions in order to thrive. Thankfully, you can promote better communication by laying the groundwork with a few principles.
Originally developed by the Peace and Justice Institute, the Principles For How We Treat Each Other are a code of conduct designed to foster healthy communication and one that we use in all of our conflict resolution training. What’s more, you don’t need to have the other person’s buy-in to start using it!
Just by putting these Principles into practice, you can create the type of atmosphere that allows healthy communication to thrive because these Principles prime us to govern ourselves with dignity while sharing authentically and receiving information with equanimity.
WATCH YOUR BODY LANGUAGE
You can say all the right things, but if your tone of voice or facial expression sends the wrong message, it can undermine the whole conversation.
Be aware of your nonverbal communication occurring during a conflict. Avoiding eye contact, crossing your arms, or bringing your eyebrows together can send the message that you’re not interested in resolution at all.
Similarly, attune yourself to nonverbal cues that others display, while realizing that you may be right or wrong in your interpretation of these cues. Be curious and non-judgmental and if you feel so guided, you may show you care by asking about what you perceived in their nonverbal cues. This can be an entry point into a learning discussion about what your colleague may be experiencing – an opportunity to build trust and learn more.
LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND
One of our most basic human needs is to be understood and accepted, yet a frequent complaint of people in conflict is that they don’t feel heard.
Active listening can turn the communication into an opportunity to learn a different perspective. Acknowledging that every perspective has merit will help you reach the crux of a conflict much more effectively.
Say something like: “It seems like you and I are seeing things differently. Please help me understand your perspective better.”
Even if you don’t use these exact words, displaying a willingness to understand will go a long way toward building a bridge between you.
DON’T DEFEND A POSITION
People in conflict often have a tendency to defend their own position rather than understand the other person’s perspective. Thus, a typical argument will look like a volleyball match.
As each person tries to sway the other, it ends up much like a volleyball being tossed over the net from one side to the other. Neither side wants to “lose”, so the conflict becomes more intense.
Remember what was mentioned above: “You don’t need to be wrong in order for my perspective to have value” and vice versa.
AVOID “CONFLICT TRIGGERS”
Even when a conflict is relatively civil, it can often be like smoldering embers. Throw one stick on it, and the whole thing bursts into flames!
In this analogy, the “sticks” are triggering statements that can create an emotional reaction in the other person.
I imagine many of you reading this article have heard statements like the following:
- “You never listen to me.”
- “I know you intended to hurt me!”
- “You know I am right, and that you are to blame for this.”
- “What you are saying simply can’t be true because I know what the truth really is.”
- “You are not allowed to be that way.”
- “If you would just change and see things my way, this wouldn’t be so difficult.”
These are just a few examples of phrases that can completely derail a conversation.
LET’S TALK!
Healthy communication isn’t something that happens overnight. It can take months or even years to unlearn bad habits—especially if they’ve become second nature to us. However, learning how to communicate better is one skill that’s worth the effort.
Occasional conflict is inevitable, but by improving your conflict communication skills, you’ll be able to resolve it more quickly, respectfully, and constructively.
Leap Frog’s conflict resolution training helps organizations of all sizes learn how to resolve disputes, enhance productivity, and build stronger teams. Get in touch today and create a happier, healthier environment!
