Parents often fear what child custody will look like after a separation or divorce—and with good reason!
Even if you and your spouse have made the wise choice to divorce with respect and cooperation, the very structure of your daily lives (and the lives of your children) is certain to change. Change can be inconvenient and scary, especially when it involves spending less time with your children.
However, living separately from your children—at least some of the time—is the reality of divorce.
You cannot change this situation, but as Orlando divorce lawyers, we have helped hundreds of families negotiate this process with respect and grace, helping them to arrive at a position of acceptance with their new lives.
Co-parenting after divorce can be a frightening prospect, but with the right mindset (and a little faith in Florida’s family court system), you can move forward into this next chapter of your life with peace.
Co-Parenting After Divorce In Florida
When children are living in two different households, you no longer have the same level of control over your children. While this might be scary, it is the nature of child custody, or what we call in Florida “timesharing.” But you can take heart that Florida does have the best interests of your child embedded in our State statutes.
The guiding principle in our Florida Statutes is “that each minor child has frequent and continuing contact with both parents after the parents separate or the marriage of the parties is dissolved” and that parents should be encouraged “to share the rights and responsibilities, and joys, of childrearing.”
The presumption in Florida is that each parent is entitled to 50/50 joint custody, or timesharing. However, this does not automatically mean that the two of you will receive 50/50 joint custody. Time-sharing (visitation) will look different for every family’s particular situation. As part of your divorce, the two of you (with the help of your attorneys) will negotiate a parenting plan, which will include your time-sharing schedule. If you cannot agree on a schedule, the judge will make a decision for you.
Similarly, if the judge believes the parenting plan you have created is not in the best interests of the child(ren), they will make a new one.
This is one of the biggest reasons why learning how to co-parent will not only benefit you after your divorce, but during it as well!
10 Tips For Co-Parenting After Divorce
As soon as your children were born, you and your spouse became inextricably linked for the next 18+ years. Even though your marriage has ended, your co-parenting duties have not.
Thankfully, there are ways to make co-parenting easier—not only for the two of you, but for your children as well.
1. Put Your Kids First
If we could share only one tip regarding co-parenting after divorce, it’s this one!
Florida’s family court system is designed to put the children’s needs first; by adopting this mindset early on, you will have a better chance at your parenting plan being accepted. You will also be taking steps to minimize the harmful effects of divorce on your children.
Do your best to put your hurt and anger aside when speaking to your children about your divorce or making decisions that will affect them. Instead, vent to a therapist or even a trusted friend or family member.
It is also important to be considerate of how your children will experience the divorce. So many sudden changes can be terrifying! You can help lessen anxiety by preparing them for what their future schedule will look like and keeping them updated on changes.
2. Strive For Better Communication
It’s no secret that the way parents communicate can have an effect on the wellbeing of their children. But learning how to communicate better doesn’t just mean being civil to each other. It’s also about learning what to communicate.
According to a recent study by WVU, the best dynamic is to stick to parenting-related topics of conversation. Avoid discussing personal topics (especially those related to your love lives). Instead, remember to share important updates about your child’s health, school performance, and extracurricular activities.
However, resist the temptation to use your children as messengers. If you have a difficult time communicating with your child’s other parent in a healthy way, try using an app like OurFamily Wizard or Talking Parents.
3. Be Flexible
While court orders should be taken seriously, the law understands that your circumstances can and will change.
By being flexible about major issues, you will be setting the tone for a healthy co-parenting relationship in the future. When you display flexibility, you invite your co-parent to engage in those same behaviors.
You also have the option of modifying your parenting plan as your kids grow. A family law attorney can help you navigate this process.
4. Be Respectful
No matter how tempting it is, resist the urge to bad mouth your ex to your child(ren)—yes, even if they are bad mouthing you!
Speaking negatively about your child’s other parent causes significant disruption to your child’s much-needed sense of security. Your child should not be treated like a pawn or a negotiating chip that is to be used to get revenge against the other parent. Rather, focus your efforts on providing what your child needs: strong, capable, secure parents.
If possible, speak well of their other parent and the things you value in them. Kids often hear about how much they are like one parent or another. It will definitely hurt their self esteem to hear “You’re just like your dad!” one minute and “Your dad is a monster!” the next.
5. Practice Navigating Conflict Well
Conflict cannot be avoided, whether you’re married or divorced!
However, learning how to communicate better in conflict will make these moments more brief and easier while improving your overall co-parenting relationship.
Rather than trying to avoid conflict or “keeping the peace,” practice working through conflict in a healthy, constructive way. A therapist, counselor, or conflict resolution specialist can help with this.
We recommend the resources and methods taught by the High Conflict Institute and use the “B.I.F.F.” response regularly in our work.
6. Maintain Your Boundaries
Everyone is entitled to healthy boundaries. Boundaries allow us to feel safe in our relationships with ourselves and those around us.
An example of a good boundary might be, “I will not speak to someone who is disrespecting me.” Therefore, maintaining this boundary may involve leaving the room when your fellow co-parent is bad mouthing you.
It’s also important to keep boundaries between you and your children. Don’t overshare about the issues of your divorce to them.
7. Practice Self-Care
Even when the divorce was your idea, it is common (and normal!) to feel stressed, especially as a newly single parent!
As the saying goes, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” So take the time to look after your own mental and emotional health. This will make it easier to treat others with respect.
8. Maintain The Status Quo
Remember, your children did not choose divorce. As much as possible, parenting after divorce should look substantially similar to how it looked before the divorce.
Children need stability. So, the more you can maintain the status quo regarding how you parent your children, the better your children will be.
9. Blended Families
Adding someone to the family can be a cause of celebration or anxiety (and sometimes both)!
If either one of you starts a new relationship, take some time to discuss the roles and responsibilities of the new “family member.” For example, will the kids’ new step-mom be allowed to discipline them? Is their mom’s boyfriend allowed to pick them up from school or take them to the doctor?
Blending families isn’t always easy, but if you work together with intention, the results are better for everyone.
10. Think As a Team
Remember, you’re both in this together—long after your children turn 18!
If the two of you can see yourself as a team (rather than opponents), it will make these tumultuous years far more peaceful for the two of you and much less stressful for your children.
Conclusion
Becoming educated about your rights, duties, and responsibilities is one of the best ways to help alleviate your anxiety about co-parenting after divorce.
At Leap Frog Divorce, we help couples navigate the divorce process peacefully, efficiently, and successfully. In addition to being divorce attorneys, we are also certified in Mediation and specialize in Conflict Resolution.
Your family and your divorce are both unique. You deserve customized legal advice designed to address your individual needs and goals. At Leap Frog Divorce, we’ll help you sort through the myths and misinformation to develop a parenting plan that is right for you.
Call today to schedule a consultation.
